photos courtesy of cnet.com

We want to be clear right up front. No, we do not have any of these coffee tables, but we kinda wish we did. Gourmet coffee has become so trendy, it's hard to separate the hype from the oily bean.

What with double-super-dooper-overly caffeinated coffee on the rise to $90 a cup of coffee from exotic cat poo. See where we're going with this?

Coffee has gone off the rails. In fact, coffee has become so revered, people are creating crazy coffee tables to show their love for this hot, black brew or cold brew. Take your pick.

Take the incredible coffee table above. It's intricate and, well really, unbelievable. It's beautiful art. But we're not really going to pull up a chair and talk about the boss's latest antics, are we?

You know what would happen? First, I would tear my hose and then scrape my knee, then I'd be swearing. So as much as I love the idea of this table, it's gotta go. Put it in a coffee museum and call it a day.

Next up is this piece of work.

For all you youngsters out there, know what it is? It's a cassette tape. Don't remember it? Do a Google search.

Again, artsy and a conversation piece to boot. I can see myself sitting around this table talking about...the table and the problems we had with cassette tapes!

Here's my concern. This table should only be in a room with adults. Can't you see a five-year old sticking their grubby little hands into the holes of the cassette?

I can hear some mother yelling, "Joey! Get your hands out of there, right now!" No, ladies and gentlemen, this is a table you put away and bring out only when it's an adults only party.

And even then, somebody is still going to bend over with their coffee in their hand and say, "What's that?" and that cup's gonna tip.

If the contents don't fall onto the table, it will fall onto the floor or expensive rug. Again, put this sucker in a museum.

Do I even have to regale the problems with this beautiful piece of work?

Honestly, this coffee table is just about as artsy and sentimental as they come. Who wouldn't want it?

Before you know it, you're toying with the larger than life pieces and thinking back to your very first Nintendo game. Sweet.

But if you decide to own it, my advice would be to get it insured 'cause one of your friends is sure to steal it. Nuff said.

Oh God. Star Trek. I'm in trouble now. I love Star Trek more than any other sci-fi series in the world.

Bottom line? This coffee table belongs to me and you cannot have it.

Kids are not allowed to come near it. Grownups can respectfully touch it, but nobody puts NOTHIN' on this table. Got it?

And finally...

In this artsy coffee table world, we come to a table that has the biggest chance of performing its job.

A nod to computers and Macs in particular, this table could actually do its job with no muss, no fuss.

A five-year old could play around with it, and do less harm. Although I do see the possibility of the kid trying to squeeze him or herself between the spring and the table top.

No matter.

Of the five coffee table possibilities, this one has the best shot of keeping the focus on small talk and coffee. And isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

Beam me up, Scottie. I'm ready for my latte.

If you haven't guessed, Jake's Convenience is way more than a convenience store. Stop in and see us.